Talking To Your Kids About Sex

Parents,

A few of you have recently asked for advice about talking to your kids about sex. Below are a few thoughts.

When To Have ‘The Talk’

It's never too early to start talking about this subject. Instead of having one long and 'shocking' talk, my recommendation is to have an ongoing conversation that you keep revisiting. This is the same way we handle other topics like money and relationships. We teach our kids about each topic according to their season in life, it’s never a ‘one and done’ conversation. It’s too important for that.

God’s Design For Sex

There's a series of books that’s been recommended to us called ‘God’s Design for Sex’ that has books for all ages 3-14. We just ordered the books and are going to use the first one with Honey (age 5) this summer. You can find the Amazon links below.

The Story of Me (Ages 3-5)

Before I Was Born (Ages 5-8)

What’s The Big Deal (Ages 8-11)

Facing The Facts (Ages 11-14)

What To Do Before The Talk

1. Pray
1. For your kids protection
2. For their future spouse
3. For your own marriage and sexual issues
4. For the Lord to give you wisdom in how and when to have the conversation.

2. Deal with your own sexual issues. Most of us have them.
1. If you are struggling with any kind of sexual addiction, deal with it. Bring it to the light. Confess it. Don’t pass it on to your kids.
2. Think about your own sexual past. Many folks have past regrets that lead to the false thinking that sex, even in marriage, is something God doesn’t really approve of. This isn’t how God intended sex to be. Wrestle with your own understandings of sex before you talk about it with your kids.
3. Work on your own sexual intimacy in your marriage. It’s like a garden that needs constant ‘tending to.’ It’s tough to tell your kids how awesome and sacred marital sex is when that isn’t a true statement to how you’re living.
4. Natalie and I are very open about talking about this issue so feel free to contact us. We know it’s awkward to talk about it, but it’s important and we’d love to be a safe place for you to discuss this topic.


3. Talk with your spouse first. Be on the same page.

How To Have ‘The Talk’

Again, it’s not a one-time talk, but an ongoing conversation.  Don’t unload the whole truck on them in one sitting. Build a rhythm of having meaningful conversations with them. Create habits that lead to real discussions. My dad took me out to breakfast before school every Wednesday in middle school, just me and him. Getting up 30 minutes early was worth it for the BLT (extra mayo) and that time with my dad. I honestly don’t remember what we talked about at the local breakfast spot, but I remember it being formative for me and our relationship.

• Find a consistent time to discuss real things. It often helps conversations when you’re doing something together and not just talking. Even taking a walk often fosters more conversation that sitting in a living room. Here are a few suggestions.
• Breakfast before school.
• Dad-Son driving range on Sunday afternoons
• Mom daughter window shopping trips
• Tues night Yogurt Shop runs.
• Pre-bed time Bible Study/Family devotions

• In those consistent times of real discussion, make it a habit to always open the Bible together, even if just briefly. If they’re used to looking at a passage in Scripture together, it’s easy to let the Bible ‘break the ice’ for you. For example, if you say, ‘this month let’s study the book of 1 Corinthians together.’ When you get to 1 Corinthians 6, the topic of sex naturally will come up.

• Using scripture also communicates that sex isn’t a ‘weird’ or taboo topic to talk about, but it’s something that is good and that God created. It isn't dirty, gross, or disgusting, it's sacred, when it occurs inside of marriage. Rather than painting it as a bad thing they shouldn’t do, explain how holy it is, when used in the context for which God created it.

• I like to use the aquarium illustration. When you go to the science center you can walk up to the HUGE aquarium and look through the glass at all the beautiful fish inside. One of the reasons they are alive and healthy is because of that glass boundary. If it wasn’t there, the water would fall out and they would die. The same is true for sex. When it is living within the sacred boundary of marriage, it thrives and is alive, but outside of marriage, it leads to guilt, shame, and regret.

• Be real with them. When your child asks questions you don’t know how to answer, just be honest. It’s ok to say ‘I don’t know, but let me get back to you.’ Do some research and follow up. Communicate to them that they can ask you about anything without fear.

Where To Read About Sex In The Bible

• This passage in 1 Corinthians 6 in The Message translation is, in my opinion, the best biblical passage to use with teenagers to help them understand God’s plan.

1 Corinthians 6:16-20 (The Message)

There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

• Genesis 1 and 2
• God created sex and said that it was very good. (Gen 1:31)
• Adam bursts into song- ‘bone of my bone,’ he’s a man singing over his naked wife.
• Proverbs 5:19 - Rejoice in the wife of your youth.
• Song of Solomon-Whole book dedicated to the celebration of married sex.
• In 1 Corin. 7 Paul instructs married couples to have sex often.

Teach Them About Covenant Relationships

• Sex is sacred because it occurs within a covenant.
• Covenant is a word that’s foreign to most of us. Many of us associate it with the word contract, commitment, or agreement, but a covenant it’s different than a contract. A contract is an agreement we enter into because we don’t fully trust one another. If you keep your side of the bargain then I’ll keep mine. But if you break your word, I have the freedom to break mine.
• But a COVENANT is different than a contract. A covenant is a permanent and exclusive relationship formed, NOT through mistrust but through trust and ‘no strings attached’ surrender. It’s not a consumer relationship, “I’ll pay you this, if you in turn give me this.’
• A covenant is a permanent relationship that nothing can change.
• In our society now we don’t have many relationships we still consider to be covenant relationships, but we do have one, that is the relationship between a parent and a child. If you see a parent abandon their child just because their child is disobedient then you’re going to look down on that parent. We think ‘that’s your kid, and even if they’re not acting like you want them to, that’s still your kid. You can’t abandon them.’ And the reason we think that is because God has ordained the relationship between a parent and a child and given them to one another, permanently, forever.
• In the same way, today, God has ordained the marriage relationship to be permanent and exclusive. One husband. One wife. Forever. That’s why marriage is so sacred.
• That covenant relationship is so different from the hookup culture we live in now. Sex inside of marriage is a covenant relationship, but Sex outside of marriage is a consumer relationship. A consumer is trying to find the best deal possible, but who wants to live like that? With the fear of your boyfriend or girlfriend saying ‘I’ll be with you until I find someone better.’
• In a Covenant marriage you can be yourself without that fear of rejection…it’s such a safe place. You don’t have to sell yourself and pretend to be someone you’re not. You know that no matter what, you are her husband, you are his wife…forever.
• The best definition of intimacy is being completely known, unashamed, without any fear of rejection. Isn’t that the kind of relationship you desire?
• Sex outside of marriage is full of fear, guilt, shame, and rejection.
• Sex inside of marriage is full of trust, vulnerability, acceptance, freedom.
• God didn’t design sex to be a consumer good, it’s not intended to be something we do for just for our own pleasure, IT’S WAY MORE SPECIAL THAN THAT…WAY MORE VALUABLE.
• Outside of marriage- the more you do it, the less pay off there is… like all addictions, it becomes less powerful. But inside of marriage…it only grows better…it becomes sweeter and more pleasurable and more powerful.
• It’s not just physical, body on body  (1 Corin 6) It’s an external expression of an invisible reality. “I’m giving you all of me, not just the physical, but all of me, my whole self. My emotions, my past, my future, my children, my hopes, my fears. I want to be COMPLETELY KNOWN BY YOU!
• But sex outside of marriage says let’s be physically naked and committed, but not committed with the other parts of our life, it just doesn’t work

How Sex Point Us To Christ

• The most beautiful thing about a covenant marriage is that it points us to the covenant that Jesus has made with us.  He laid down his life so we could enter into a relationship with him FOREVER. The Bible speaks about a marriage ceremony that is going to come one day when Jesus returns for us.He calls us his bride and in Isaiah 62:5- it says He rejoices over his bridegroom.
• Sex in marriage is really just a foretaste of the union that we long for with our creator. He is the only one who can fully know us and love us like we desire to be known and loved.

Praying for you in this and I'm available to talk if you have more specific questions. -Drew