When I was in 6th grade, I remember my parents having a VHS tape of Dirty Dancing. I knew it was rated PG-13 and I wasn't allowed to see it, but one night when they weren't home, my curiosity got the best of me. I stuck it in the VCR and my heart started racing. The adrenaline of the unknown experience ahead of me combined with the fear of getting caught had me sweatin' bullets before Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey even started dancing. A big part of adolescence is curiosity and wonder.
While I don't have teenagers of my own, if I were in your shoes as a parent, here's what (I think) I would do. Again, this is just my personal opinion. Pray about how to handle your own situation as you know your kids better than I do.
If my kids were begging me to let them watch the show, as a parent, I would watch the first episode of the show without your child. Then I'd read the plot summaries of all 13 episodes.
Next, I'd invite your teenager to watch that same episode with you. And after the episode, I would take them out for a milkshake and ask them some questions.
I've listed 13 potential questions below. Don't blow through the whole list. As a kid, that would feel exhausting to get grilled by your parents with 13 questions.
Instead, read through them ahead of time and pick out some you'd like to discuss. Or give them the power. Show them the list of all 13 and ask them to pick 5 of the questions that they want to talk about.
13 Questions For Discussion
- What are you feeling as you watch the show?
- Have you ever felt like you didn't want to face tomorrow?
- How do you handle trials? Do you hold it in or do you have someone you can talk to?
- Do you feel like you can talk to me as your parent?
- What do you allow to define you? Is it the worst parts of you, the broken parts, the regrets- or is it the beautiful parts of you?
- Why do you think people in the show and in our world tend to define themselves by the "worst parts of them?"
- How can we not give guilt and shame power to speak into our lives?
- Do you think the decisions that I make affect you and our family? How so?
- Do you think the decisions that you make affect me and our family? How so?
- Do you think our lives have power to impact others around us?
- How has someone impacted you in a negative way?
- Who has impacted your life in a positive way? How so?
- If God has created us in a way that gives us power to influence people, what are ways you can use that power to positively impact others? How can you use your words? Actions?
After that, I'd tell them that you went ahead and read all the plot summaries for the rest of the series. I'd also tell them that you read an article from Entertainment Weekly about Netflix adding "trigger warnings" to the show and that from what you've read and heard, you think it'd be wise to not watch the rest of the show.
I would try my best to help them understand the destructive nature of glorifying suicide. Here's a helpful article from Trevin Wax at The Gospel Coalition: "13 Reasons Why" is Deceptive and Destructive."
If you have older teenagers, I might let them make their own decision about watching the remainder of the episodes. Tell them that part of your job as a parent is to walk with them through these teenagers years and teach them how to make wise decisions.
If you have younger teens, I'd make the decision for them and clearly explain why you will not permit them to watch the remaining episodes.
If you don't let them watch the rest, they'll likely be disappointed and upset. Explain further why you want to protect them from it. Why you don't want them watching a girl get raped. Talk about Philippians 4:8.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
Then, invite them to read the plot summaries just as you did. It takes away a lot of the curiosity.
You can also talk with them about how to make wise decisions in general. Share some of your own bad decisions and regrets and explain to them how you go about making decisions now.
Making Wise Decisions (taken from Ignatius)
- Help them understand that God wants to help them make a good decision, so encourage them to invite Him into the process.
- Besides trusting in the love of God, the second most important thing in making a wise decision is a heart position of surrender. Are you willing to give the decision to God and submit to Him no matter what He says? Don't be attached to any single thing other than doing God's will. Pray, "Lord, I don't know how to live, can you show me?"
- Pay attention to your feelings. If you are a believer, the Holy Spirit is always acting on you. Go ahead and play out the scenario in your head. What happens if you watch the rest of the show. Will it leave you feeling more peaceful or experiencing anxiety and regret?
- Imagine what your "best self" would do.
After you chat about wisdom and decisions, spend some time praying together.
Thank them for entering into this discussion with you.
And then hand them a piece of paper where you've hand-written "13 Reasons Why I Love You."
They'll probably keep that one in a drawer of their bed-side table and pull it out on a night when the darkness feels like it's winning. As they read it, they'll be reminded of that milkshake and that night when their mom or dad cared enough to enter into their broken world.
Closing Prayer
Jesus, give these parents a deep well to draw upon. Dig the well of your Holy Spirit deep into their souls. May the time with their children be overflowing with the water of your never-ending, thirst-quenching love. Amen.
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